my room smells like sperm. sweet.
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
I will pee on everything he values.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
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