Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize
