I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Not till Sunday. I'm going to sleep in my car. And I know. This place is insane. Blood on the stAirs 5 dollar slices of pizza. A girl on our floor had a stroke.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
