I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
