how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize
