Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
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Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
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If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
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