i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
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