if you like me you must not know who I am
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Randomize
