oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
Randomize
