Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
Randomize
