rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
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