Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Randomize
