Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
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