Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
