fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Randomize
