I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
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Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
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My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
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