I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
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