Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
