she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
Randomize
