Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize