I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
Randomize
