She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
Can you send me a pic of you vag, I'm sexting the guy and he wants a pic but I didnt shave
dude are you serious?
I know you already have a pic on your phone
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
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