I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
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