Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Randomize
