Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
Randomize
