Whats up?
Drunk as a mother trucker with panties on her thumbnail..laying thee down
Stay up. I'm coming home in a little
Ill try..hurry!!!! Thine hour awaits you
Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
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