I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
Randomize
