It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
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