omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Randomize
