no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
Randomize
