Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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