have you ever wondered what it would feel like to stick those coneheads in your vaj
omg every time its on
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Randomize
