One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
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