Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
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