There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
Randomize
