I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
