drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
