There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Shes from jersey what did you expect her to say when you asked her if she did coke? Its like asking some1 from a third world country if they are hungry
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
I deserve this hangover.
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
