I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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