He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
Randomize
