Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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