I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
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