I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
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