God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
Randomize
