I wish my penis had an off switch
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
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