Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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