Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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