God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
you had me at cake vodka
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
