Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
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