it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
