I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
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