sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
Randomize
