we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
Randomize
