As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
