Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
I Bought a bracelet with bible characters and a charm broke. the virgin mary one. Do you think it's a sign?
Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
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