Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
vagina is talking i cant
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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