Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Randomize
