gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
A gentleman never tells..... therefore i will neither confirm nor deny the attatched photos
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Randomize
