Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
